Many think of parliamentary rules as complex, dry, and useless in everyday life. Many think it far too formal for such group decisions as who is going to drive Bill to the hospital and the common marital debate, how often to engage in sexual intercourse. I intend to prove that parliamentary procedure is just as useful as, nay, more useful, than when Congress decides what shade of off-white the capital building should be. I, too, was a disbeliever until I saw a group of British hoodlums walk down a street deciding how they would go about the night’s business of robbery. They were so efficient and civil in their discussion, hearing all sides on every issue and reaching total agreement on many aspects of their plan. I could not help but be astounded as I hid in my trashcan, waiting for them to pass. Once, only once, did a stabbing occur, and even then it was performed in an orderly fashion.
My friends and I adopted Robert’s Rules of Order, and our gatherings became more time efficient and much, much more courteous. As for the difficulty in learning Robert’s Rules, it must be noted that my friends—and I as well, to a lesser extent—are morons. If we can learn them and apply them, so can anyone else. Following is the minutes to one of our meetings. It should be evident both how useful the rules actually are and how easy it must be to learn them, even under the effects of mind altering substances.
Organization: Bob and friends
Date: 4 November 2009, 2300 hours
Place: Joseph’s Garage/Bedroom
Role Call
Presiding Officer: Grand Martial Poobah Bob, Esquire, elected lifetime president by rigged vote (myself).
Manny (Tall, skinny, sits on his workout bench throughout the meeting.)
Jill (A female who inexplicably likes to hang out with us, though regrettably has no romantic interests in any of us.)
Tubs Mcgee (Tubby, like his name.)
Bob: Adjusts his white wig on his head, and bangs a gavel on the concrete floor. “I call this meeting to order. We are here to decide upon a fast food joint at which to eat.”
Manny: “Let us just go to McDonalds.”
Tubs: “I object.”
Manny: “Fine. I make a motion that we eat at McDonalds.”
Jill: “I second the motion.”
Bob: “Discussion? Manny?”
Manny: “Let us just get some damn burgers.”
Bob: “Tubs, you have the floor.”
Tubs: “I had McDonalds for lunch. I make a motion to amend the pending motion to Taco Bell.”
Jill: “I second the motion.”
Manny: “Why do we have to eat at Taco Bell? We eat there every we-”
Bob: Bangs his gavel. “Members will not speak until recognized by the Chair. Jill.”
Jill: “Why do we have to eat at Taco Bell? We eat there every week.”
Tubs: “It’s the cheapest place to eat.”
Manny: “Mr. Tubs McGee is a fatass—“
Tubs: “Point of Order, that is a personal attack. The bylaws specifically state that personal insults are limited to when we’re playing video games.”
Bob: “Point well taken.”
Manny: “I appeal from the decision of the Chair for that point of order.”
Jill: “Second.”
Manny: “I meant to say that because Tubs is a fatass, we should not enable him to eat more than is possible with his budget.”
Motion to appeal the Chair’s decision passes, to Tubs’ chagrin.
Tubs: “I make a motion that since we’re riding in my car, I get to choose where we go.”
Jill: “Second”
Manny: “Point of order, that is against the democratic principles of this organization.”
Tubs: “It’s my car.”
Manny: “Point of order, Motion of point of order is not debatable.”
Tubs: “What the hell!”
Manny: “Point of order, Motion of point of order is not debatable.”
Bob: “All three points well taken. The motion to amend the motion to going to Taco Bell is still on the floor.”
Tubs: “There is an elephant in the room.”
Bob: “Members who wish to bring new topics to discussion must wait until new business. In other words, if you feel like there’s an issue we’re avoiding, you can bring it up later so we can choose not to talk about it.”
Tubs: “No, I make a motion of privilege for this assembly’s safety to run away from that elephant.”
Lo and behold, according to the assembly’s altered perception, there was an angry-looking elephant in the room.
Bob: “Holy crap, run!”
Members ran outside of the house and down the street. The Chair’s white wig fell off his head.
Bob: “I dropped my wig!”
Jill: “Point of order! No risking of one’s life for a stupid wig.”
Bob: “Point…huff…well…huff…taken.”
When the assembly escaped the acid-induced elephant, the assembly was only a few blocks from Taco Bell.
Bob: “Well then, let us vote.”
Motion passes to amend the motion to Taco Bell.
Motion passes to eat at Taco Bell, seeing as we were almost there anyways.
Manny: “I hate democracy.”
The meeting was adjourned at 2320 hours.
